I’ve never been excited about a new year. I suppose the party aspect used to draw me in, but no more. Not for a long time. This new year is no exception. And, I’m not one for resolutions in the traditional sense. Example: “On January 1st, I’m going to start …” I avoid January 1st as a jumping off point for anything. That’s why it’s nearly February and I’m writing about resolutions. Of course, if a decision to make one’s life better comes from a place of inspiration, and January 1st feels like the best start date, then fine. But, my past New Year’s resolutions have only ended in failure since all were essentially uninspired actions, or ones that come from self-loathing, or shame.
Right now, I’m fine and so much happier than I had been as early as 7 years ago. My writing has a lot to do with my new-found happiness. It’s a passion for me … a saving grace. This new year happens to be bringing continued needed change for me. For anyone to move forward, one has to make a definitive decision. This, I’m happy to say, I have done. Now, to move forward, my job is to do the thing that’s right in front of me, and keep doing those things. Like writing this blog. Or, cleaning the stove. Or, if it’s in front of me, starting to box things up for a move.
For me, many changes are coming this year. Good changes, but nonetheless hard ones to push through. We all say “I don’t deal well with change.” It’s true. None of us do. I’ve just learned there’s a factor in decision making called “conflicting desires.” For me, it means I want to be independent again, but I don’t want to give up the security of the situation I’m in, even though I don’t want the situation anymore. Hence, the conflict. And face it. It was easier to do this when we were younger. I’m in my 60’s now.
But, I must ask myself, does my age, or my fears, have to be an anchor? Even though I’m still scared, my answer is: HELL NO. I’ve lived through so many fear-generating situations in my life. How did I get through those? In the most recent years, I given things to my General Manager to handle, that’s how. Who’s my GM? God … Source … the Universe … Source Energy … Whatever I want to call it. And in the days where I had no spiritual practice, I must have done it unwittingly. I remember fifteen years ago lying in that hospital bed in the ICU oblivious to the danger I was in. In retrospect, even though I was ill, I don’t remember being worried about anything.
I’ve only told two people—my sister, and my pastor at the time—of the near-death experience I had just before going into the ICU. Recently, I tried telling my daughter of it, but she declined to hear it, which was fine with me. I won’t relate the details here, but it wasn’t the NDE where one dies and then comes back. All I know is, is that the vision told me it wasn’t my time to go yet.
To move on with my new life now, I view those really tough times as milestones. We as living breathing human beings, weren’t meant not to have tough times or conflicting desires. I’ve only learned what was best for me, by experiencing those god-awful times. A friend of my sister’s mantra is “It’s all forward thinking. Forward thinking. Forward thinking.” If I’m to have a New Year’s resolution, I resolve to say in my mind: It’s all forward thinking. After all, our fears don’t come from our experiences, our fears come from what we are thinking about them. I’m resolving to practice changing the stories I tell myself. I have the choice to believe things will go right for my highest and greatest good.